I thought I loved you. I thought we were close. I thought I liked your friends, your family. I thought you would do for me what I had sacrificed for you. I thought we were a good match. I thought we were compatible.
These were the foolish, fantastical thoughts that plagued me throughout the course of our relationship. All my delusions, piled sky-high, led me to stay with you for nearly two years. That is two years of my life that I spent believing in a relationship that had no substance, no potential. Finally waking up to see the reality of our situation was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
I hate that I was not strong enough to see all your flaws. I hate that my adoration for you blinded me from seeing what was best for me. I hate that I wasted two years of my life for someone who would never care for me as much as I had cared for them. I hate that it took me so long to finally break up with you.
For the last few months of our relationship, I felt nothing but discomfort. All I wanted was to leave but it took me months to muster up the courage to do so. Now I know that the fear that griped my heart as I dialed your number was well worth it. I honestly don’t know how long I would have lasted if I stayed in that relationship. And you will never know how happy I was for standing up for myself like that. I felt so free, so strong, I felt like I could take the world by storm. Those were feelings I never experienced while I was with you.
I know you probably wondered over and over again: why? Well, I told you why and you chose to disregard my answers, so here they are again.
You did the bare minimum; communicating with the shortest messages and laziest responses. You always expected more from me but never had the same expectations for yourself. You never walked me home, you never wanted to hang out at places I suggested, you never wanted to do try the activities I liked, and you never once took me out on a proper date. You refused every single one of my suggestions, you shut out my advice, you made me feel like my opinions were worthless.
And to tell you the truth, I got tired. I got tired from having to plan all of our dates, I got tired from constantly bending to your will, I got tired from putting more into our relationship that you ever did.
Now, it was not all you. We had the most boring conversations. We had no common hobbies. We had opposing political opinions. We had clashing lifestyles. But the thing is, all of these could have been remedied, but you made no effort to indulge in any of my interests or ideas. And that’s what got me. You never tried, you never put in that same effort that I did. I at least tried.
I want my wasted time back, I want my wasted love back, because you never deserved any of it.
For the longest time, I thought I would be nothing without you. I thought you were my everything. But the reality of it was, you were holding me back. You were not letting me fly and I, foolishly, allowed you to chain me to the ground. For the longest time, I thought you were who I needed. But in reality, I did not need someone who would blame me for my mental health problems. I did not need someone who always prioritized their friends over me.
I don’t know if you remember breaking up with me that summer because you got tired of dealing with my depression. I don’t know if you remember treating me like an object whenever you wanted sexual gratification. I don’t know if you remember selfishly telling me to apply for a single room instead of a double when you knew I wanted a roommate.
I did not need you, I never did and I never will. I am better than I have ever been now that you’re gone.
Who I needed was someone who could push me to be the best version of myself. I needed someone who would wholeheartedly support my ideas and my decisions. I needed someone who would value my needs over their desires. I needed someone I could clearly and openly communicate with. I needed someone who was willing to put in the work, because every relationship needs a tune up from time to time.
I’m sorry you were not that person.
Now, I’m in a much better place. I love myself a bit more, I love the world a bit more. And I prefer to see our time together as a valuable learning experience, and I know that I will never make the same mistake again.
I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what lies you tell your friends, I don’t care that they harass me online, I don’t care that you hate me. Those are all negative feelings that I have no obligation to anymore, I have no obligation to you either, and I hope you finally understand that. You are a chapter of my book that I have closed for good and have no plans to revisit any time soon.